Parfait Magnifique
by ExtraSaber
Summary: Having grown somewhat close over the course of repeatedly beating each other up, Lili moves in with Asuka in her modestly sized apartment in Shibuya. Armed with only her flawlessness and grace, Lili must face pressing adult issues such as the annoying neighbour, paying rent, and the seemingly random appearances of her roommate's cryptic spirit guide.
1. Prétentieux et Désespéré

**Note:** Okay, so my Tekken Tag 2 hype suddenly heightened considerably, so I'm further neglecting my Persona stories to bring you… this. This chapter is mostly setting up the situation and such, so it will be a bit slower than future things, yes. I'm still working on Rise the Vampire Slayer, by the way. It just so happens to be a particularly difficult story to write. ANYWAY here's some Tekken nonsense.

* * *

Everyone notices me as I walk down the street, and why shouldn't they? I mean, I don't mean to be vain, but I _am_ the most beautiful person alive. My long, flowing blonde locks get everyone's attention, as well as my impeccable, immaculate, picture perfect fashion sense.

Indeed, I am truly the very epitome of flawlessness.

As this particular _épisode_ of my fabulousness began, I was just walking down the streets of Shibuya, Tokyo on a beautiful summer day after a couple of nice men had just escorted me out of a store in a very chivalrous manner. I'm… never allowed in there again.

As the great Emilie de Rochefort (you can just call me Lili) has gone _mondial_, I of course have my own villa here in Japan. My father has been having financial difficulties, so I decided to make it out there on my own, which I am most certainly doing.

_~a month ago~_

"_My dear Lili… we've lost everything! My company has gone bankrupt, they're taking away the mansion, and we're up to our eyes in debts! However, I still feel like the richest man in the world to have you for a daughter… you give me hope for the future, my dearest Lili."_

"_Yeah, I'm leaving."_

"_W-what?!"_

_~present day~_

I do so miss Father.

But indeed, the streets of Shibuya are quite dapper as always. How very _magnifique_. Ah, there it is. My brilliant mansion. My most elegant place of residence. My sacred sanctuary of all that is fabulous and, as they say in Japan, _kawaii_.

It is time for me to retreat there for the day and lay back in _de luxe_.

That is, when I've ascended these multiple staircases. How very charming they are. I do always need a fair bit of exercise, yes.

Ah, there's the gate to my _château_. I bid thee farewell, for I am passing through its elegant entrance.

_creeeeaaaaak_

…

"Asuka, the door is still doing the creaky thing! I thought you said you were fixing it!"

* * *

_**~Parfait Magnifique~**_

**Chaptitre Un  
Prétentieux et Désespéré**

* * *

…

"Oh, what. She isn't even here?"

With a soft sigh, Lili put down her single shopping bag and headed over to the living room sofa. It was a modest apartment, the current tenants of which were Lili and her sworn rival/best frienemy/heterosexual (?) life partner Asuka Kazama.

In an attempt to gain more independence, Asuka had moved away from her family's house and to a relatively inexpensive apartment block in Shibuya. Following the events of the fifth King of Iron Fist Tournament, she and Lili had actually exchanged Skype details, so that Lili could 'get to know her enemies', and had been keeping in touch since then.

Putting the whole ridiculous (and mostly one-sided) rivalry aside, the two found out that they had quite a bit in common, also putting aside their wildly differing personalities. As time went on, they had become best frienemies.

With her family's impending bankruptcy, Lili gradually became aware of Asuka's plans of moving awayness. In fact, it happened a bit like this…

_~also a month ago~_

"_So, things are pretty tough at the Rochefort's, huh? That sucks."_

"_Indeed, I believe Father has been trying to tell me for the past week, but the furthest he ever gets is 'we are'. At one point, he got out of it by saying 'we are getting married, the maid and I'. I mean, ew."_

"_I guess your dad really doesn't wanna let you down, huh? Anyway, I'm moving to this apartment in Shibuya in a few days, and—"_

"_Take me with you."_

"…_huh?"_

"_Take. Me. With. You. Please let me live with you, staying here is so incredibly __déprimant__."_

"…_you'd have to pay rent, y'know."_

"_I-I have some money saved… I think."_

"_Er, okay… I'm heading over there by train in like four days… I could give you the address and then we could sort stuff out when you get there."_

"_Wow, really? I-I mean, you're actually letting me live with you…?"_

"_Well, yeah. You said you were having trouble, and I guess we're kind of friends, so…"_

"_A-ahem. Of course. Yes. Indeed. Verily. I-I'll just… be making the __approprié __preparations, yes."_

"_Lili, are you crying?"_

"_No! I just have allergies, that's all… anyway, I really must be going now. I bid you farewell, Asuka Kazama."_

"_Yeah, yeah. Call me later, okay?"_

"_Yes, indeed… a-and, um… thanks._

_-Call ended-_

_~we're going back to present day now okay deal~_

About a week after their conversation, Lili had arrived in Shibuya as she said she would. That was a few months ago, and the two had settled in somewhat nicely since then.

It was a modest apartment, kitchen and living room fused into an uncomfortable super room, a single and very dinky bathroom, and two small bedrooms. A moderate amount of fuss was made about the latter.

"_I want that one. It's bigger. No, wait, that one's bigger. Which one is bigger?"_

"_They're the same size, Lili. Just… pick one, or I'll do it for you."_

"_No. No! I, a lady of Rochefort heritage, am perfectly capable of choosing my __chambre à coucher__. I pick this one."_

"_Alright, then that takes care of that."_

"_Do we paint it pink now or should that wait until later?"_

"…"

"_What?"_

"…_nothing."_

* * *

Lili had salvaged a decent bit of her belongings from Rochefort Manor, which gave the place a certain amount of pizzazz. The living room had a generously sized HD TV and a PlayStation 3, two things Asuka could most certainly not afford on her own.

"I'm home! Oh, Lili. You're here. Whatcha doing?"

"Yes, I'm a girl. Yes, I play games. No, I'm not making you a sandwich…"

Sighing at the blonde's incoherent mumbling, the brunette put her sports bag on the kitchen table, closing the door behind her. Asuka had her hair neatly tied into a ponytail, having just returned from her part-time job at a local bicycle equipment store. _Someone_ had to have an income, and that someone sure wasn't going to be Lili. In actuality, she had tried to get part-time jobs before, but poor Lili did have a tendency to get fired.

If it weren't for Asuka's modest salary and occasional money sent from her family, the gruesome twosome would most certainly be very broke.

"Huh? Oh, hello, Asuka." Lili hastily looked over to her very Japanese roommate, smiling somewhat sheepishly. "I was just flashing back to when we were about to move in here."

"Flashing back to that? It's only been a month." Asuka shrugged, joining the Monegasque lass on her busy day of sitting.

"Do not be silly. It is, after all, the first page of the story, and one has to get the exposition out of the way."

"…what are you even talking about?"

Lili pursed her lips and reached for the TV remote at the table in front of them. "Oh, never do mind."

Asuka eventually dismissed Lili's ramblings, changing the subject.

"I think we're out of Dr. Salt."

Lili's ears perked up at Asuka's words, and she let out a melodramatic gasp.

"How very dreadful! How are we going to cope with being without our favoured overcaffienated _boisson_?"

Asuka's response was handing a 1000 yen note over to Lili. "Think you can go out and get some? I'm starting dinner soon, so…"

Lili glanced at her golden pocket watch, then back at Asuka. It was already 7:30pm. Had it really gotten _that_ late?

"Do say no more. This task is one I am most certainly and definitely capable of!"

"You sure? I don't want you getting into any more fights with pedestrians."

"They were asking for i—!" Lili regained her composure and took a deep breath. "Right. No more street fights. Check. I'll just be gone a minute!"

"Don't forget to give me the change, okay? _Okay?_"

Asuka flashed an amused grin waved half-heartedly to Lili as she dashed off through the door in search of places that carry Asuka's beloved beverage.

"…come to think of it, does she even know where the convenience stores here are?" Asuka said to herself, but decided to dismiss it and get to cooking. Lili would be fine. She is, after all, not stupid.

…

Yes.

Lili would do juuuuuuuuuuuust fine.

* * *

Having walked a whole 100 metres without kicking anyone's face in, it looked as if everything would be going Lili's way this time. However, as if on cue…

"Oof!"

"Gah!"

In a rare inversion of events, the rudeness of a careless pedestrian caused Lili to end up on the ground. Some doofus on the sidewalk hadn't been looking where he was going, causing him to crash into our gorgeous protagonist.

"H-how dare you exhibit such _impitoyable_ behaviour towards me? Don't you know who I am?" Lili growled angrily at the similarly earthbound ruffian, who did look awfully familiar. "Hey, don't I know you?"

"Hm? You say something? Here." Getting up, the discourteous hooligan glared at Lili before eventually offering his hand.

"I can stand myself up, thank you." Studying the man's features, Lili was only able to come to one conclusion. The bright red hair, the muscular frame, the very gay fashion sense… "You're that Korean type whose face I rearranged at the tournament!"

"Wha— we met at the tournament?" The Korean man scratched his head. "I don't really remember…"

"Probably because my stylish and very expensive boots caused a concussion or something. Anyway, what was your name, again? Howrong?"

"It's _Hwoarang_."

"Wha… rang…?"

"It's pronounced _Hwoarang_! Like Hey, whoa, a… rang?"

"Who… ran… oh, forget it. Anyway, what are you doing here? Don't you have Korean stuff to do back in Korea? Go on, shoo." Lili motioned for Hwoarang to go away, which he would then scoff at.

"Oh, what, like _you_ have any more right to be here than I do. You trying to start something, bitch?" Hwoarang put up his fists, completely unaware of what he was holding in his right hand.

"A shopping bag? For me? Aw, you shouldn't have!" With that, Lili quickly snatched the bag out of Hwoarang's hand, not noticing the rather large crowd that had amassed around them.

"Huh? N-no! Give that back, don't look into it!"

Lili gracefully opened the bag to take a look at its contents. As she did so, her eyes widened rather widely, much like dinner plates.

"Hm, isn't this that Jin Kazama guy who won the fifth tournament? What, there's an action figure… no, _two_ action figures, some posters, a DVD, t-shirts…"

The look Lili gave Hwoarang said more than fifty billion words ever could.

"It's just… for research…" The Korean gentleman's face reddened considerably as he froze in place. His true colours had been exposed for all to see, and by a snooty rich girl at that! "Anyway, you're giving that back to me right now!"

"Uh, yeah."

"Whoa!"

As quickly as she snatched it away, Lili hastily tossed the bag back to the startled Hwoarang, who just barely caught it.

"I really have no business with your masturbatory aids. What you do in your own time…" Lili shrugged and began walking away from the redhead, the crowd gradually dissolving.

"Mastur— it's not like that, really!" Hwoarang reached his hand out, hoping to get Lili to stop. "Really, there's a perfectly good explanation for why I bought all that junk!"

With that, Lili stopped dead in her tracks, but not for the reason Hwoarang hoped.

"Bought…?"

"Yeah, as I was sa— **GHAAGHDFH!**"

Hwoarang was unable to finish his sentence, as it was interrupted by a sudden roundhouse kick to the gut from Lili.

"Goodness, how _épouvantable_! I _completely_ forgot about the most righteous errand assigned to me by Asuka!" Lili looked down at the cowering Tae-Kwon-Do fighter, who had been most certainly caught off guard by the sudden attack. "I'm very sorry, Mr. Hondoodledanz, but we will have to conclude our tiff another time. _Adieu_!"

With that, Lili dashed off in search of Asuka's beloved Dr. Salt, leaving Hwoarang's final words unheard.

"It's… Hwoarang…"

* * *

After rummaging through and eventually getting kicked out of several convenience stores, Lili finally managed to procure a bottle of Dr. Salt. Mission most certainly and definitely accomplished.

"I did it! And it only took me…" Lili cheerfully looked at her watch, after which her expression darkened. "…two and a half hours? That can't be right. This watch must be broken."

As she got nearer to the modest apartment complex she currently inhabited, Lili couldn't help but notice an obstacle standing in her way. A few inches away from her face, to be exact.

"I'm so gonna make you pay for publicly humiliating me!" Hwoarang said in a very menacing manner.

"Oh, please. I don't think anyone was paying any attention." Lili smiled mischievously. "So why don't you just go disappear, Hondoreanaz?"

"My name is _Hwoarang_, and shut up!" Hwoarang took a leap backwards and went into fighting position. "I'm gonna make you regret having ever messed with me."

"Pfft!" Lili had almost dropped her bag in the ensuing fit of laughter. "Oh, _mercy_, you're acting so lame! Not to mention that you said that _you_ were going to make _me_ pay. That part was very amusing."

The blonde wiped a few tears from her eyes, attempting to regain her composure.

"Very well." Lili flipped her hair dramatically, and assumed a fighting stance. "We shall see who will be making who pay."

"Is there a problem?"

Lili and Hwoarang both froze in place as a patrolling police officer caught wind of their little spat, the crowd dissipating once more. The officer glared at the two suspicious foreigners, pulling out a vaguely threatening-looking notebook.

"N-no! No problems here, officer! Right?" Hwoarang put on the world's most awkward smile, an act Lili would most certainly have to upstage.

"Oh, dear goodness…" Tears began to well up in Lili's eyes as her posture weakened. "I-I didn't mean to be causing trouble, officer… could you find it in your heart to _pardonnez moi_…?"

Needless to say, the police officer let the two go with just a warning. There isn't a man alive who could resist Lili's 'teary eyed' act.

"That was pretty much terrible." Lili sighed and walked along, Hwoarang tagging right behind her. "This day has been so very un-_très bien__."_

Hwoarang said nothing, and kept following the regal-looking blonde up to the familiar apartment complex. He studied her outfit, a frilly white dress that wouldn't look out of place at Harajuku. It was a sharp contrast to his very questionable leather ensemble, a look most people wouldn't be seen dead in.

"Will you stop following me already?"

"Huh?"

Lili had turned around, shooting Hwoarang another soul-piercing glare. The cheery shopping bag she held was gently ruffling in the wind.

"I'm not following you, this is where I live!" Hwoarang groaned. "Could you get out of my way now, please?"

"_Quoi_?" A cold sweat ran down Lili's face. "A-are you planning to seize my _château_? Because I will _not_ allow you to do that! Not now, not ever!"

"Don't flatter yourself, Frenchie. I live in this apartment place, too, y'know." Hwoarang shrugged and walked around Lili, eventually disappearing through the front door.

"We're neighbours…? Wait…" Lili stood there in silence before she screamed out to the heavens in rage.

"I'm not French! I'm **Monegasque**!"

* * *

"Where the _hell_ were you? It's been three hours!" Asuka had already eaten her share of moderately pleasant hayashi rice, Lili's share of which was currently residing in the fridge.

"Sorry… I ran into a rude ruffian who accosted me. I escaped with this, though!" Lili triumphantly held up the shopping bag, to which Asuka sarcastically clapped.

"Well, you at least managed to do what I asked you, so I guess I shouldn't be too mad." Asuka smiled slightly. "Your dinner's in the fridge, so you can go ahead and heat it up. I made hayashi rice, by the way. I think I did okay."

Lili grinned pleasantly and did just that, Asuka decided to extract the bottle of Dr. Salt from its shopping bag-shaped prison.

However, her expression quickly darkened as she saw its label.

_**Diet**__ Dr. Salt_

"I can't drink this…"


	2. L'Homme quivenait d'ailleurs

**Note:** wow why did this take so long I have no idea but whatever here's another chapter of this whatever it is. This chapter is a bit shorter than the first, but I didn't want it to drag on. We're still in the introductory phase, oh yes. We haven't even begun...

* * *

"_Asuka…"_

It was a particularly uneventful Saturday afternoon. Asuka was idling away the hours in the living room while Lili was off taking her _second_ shower of the day.

It was usually around times like this that _he'd _suddenly show up, and today was no exception.

* * *

_**~Parfait Magnifique~**_

**Chapitre Deux  
"****L'Homme qui****venait d'ailleurs****"**

* * *

"_Asuka…"_

With an exasperated groan, Asuka slammed shut the book she was reading, _Ninety Shades of Turquoise_, and threw it towards the ominous, perhaps, menacing figure before her.

"What do you want _this_ time, Yoshi? Are you just here to pile on some more cryptic nonsense? Because if so, you can just leave."

Standing in front of Asuka was a very odd-looking (self-proclaimed) ninja, clad in strange, somewhat robotic-looking armour. He had in his right hand a very conspicuously glowing katana and Asuka's book in his left. Enter Yoshimitsu, Asuka's (self-proclaimed) spirit guide.

"_Asuka… a terrible calamity is imminent…"_

Asuka scoffed. "Yeah, that's exactly what you said last time… which was right before Lili moved in. Huh."

"_Asuka…"_ Yoshimitsu's voice grew more intense. _"You must secure the key to open the gates, and drive the wolves awayyyyy…"_

"…what_._"

The girl had raised many an eyebrow to her spirit guide's cryptic words before, but the robot ninja thing was being extra nonsensical at the time.

"_The Beef Man cometh… and with himself he also brings along disorder and many conflicting feelings…"_

Asuka shot the aforementioned robot ninja thing an annoyed glare.

"The Beef Man? Is this because of that Dr. Salt? I only drank it so I wouldn't hurt Lili's feelings, okay?"

The Japanese maiden was too occupied with decoding Yoshimitsu's insane nonsense to notice the sound of the shower being turned off. If things were to go as they had gone, Lili would be able to witness Asuka having a fierce argument with… air.

"_Beware, Asuka Kazama… below the ground is the Beef Man's territory… tread lightly, lest the harpy deceives you…"_

With that, the brunette _snapped_.

"What. The hell. Are you **talking about!?**"

"Asuka, are you talking to someone?"

An angelic voice sounded from the bathroom's general direction. The door had opened, and at it stood Lili, clad in nothing but a fuzzy pink towel.

"Huh? N-no, there's no one here but me." Asuka flashed an awkward smile and waved her hand, after which Lili crossed her arms.

"Really? Then what's with that bizarre robotic samurai fellow climbing out the window?"

"Say what?" Asuka turned her head to find Yoshimitsu discreetly (not really) exiting the premises through the nearest window. He paused, and the two shared a particularly awkward stare-off.

"Not cool, Yoshi!" Asuka snapped at the robot samurai guy. "You're supposed to exit like a spirit in glowy lights and stuff."

"_Sorry, Asuka Kazama, but my current budget does not allow for fireworks… Spent it all on downloadable content, actually__…_" Yoshimitsu eerily said as he slowly descended down to the ground below. _"By the way, something awful will happen within the next twenty minutes…"_

The two girls stood there blankly for a while until Lili decided to break the silence.

"May I suggest a late lunch? I'm feeling rather famished at the moment."

"I thought you'd never ask. D'you wanna go somewhere?"

"Yes, very good. Allow me to get dressed first, though."

"Well. Yes. Obviously. Can't go around town in a towel, huh?"

"Yes, that would be _très_ silly" Lili smiled charmingly and began walking back to her bedroom. "Oh, and just by the way, who the hell was that?"

"I-it's not important, really. Shut up. Why can you even see him? I thought he was supposed to be my—"

"Imaginary friend?"

"Ye— **no!** Shut up!"

* * *

Donning a charming, long white dress, Lili was all set to go. And thus, the two decided to scout the streets for a suitably fabulous eatery.

"So, has it been twenty minutes yet?" Lili stretched and looked over at her companion, who had on a charmingly simple aqua tank top and jeans.

Asuka sighed. "…twenty minutes since what?"

"Oh, you know. Since your yoga instructor or whatever bailed out the window. He said something _horrifique _is to happen in the next twenty minutes, right?"

"He's supposed to be my spirit guide! Why can you see him? I thought this was supposed to be like a special thing." Asuka shrugged in exasperation.

"Eh, I guess it doesn't really matter what some _inconscient_ says. At any rate, I have heard of a new Italian place that just opened up around the corner. Perhaps that sounds good?" Lili wasted no time in steering the conversation elsewhere, and pointed towards a particularly busy street corner.

"An Italian place _here_? Yikes, that can't be good. Guess we could just as well see how bad it is, huh?"

The blonde smiled. "Well, then let's go."

Lili grabbed Asuka's hand and gracefully stomped over to the indicated location. However, she would then pause for a few seconds.

"…Lili, if you're just going to stare into space, you can let go of my hand now."

"Um, I think it's over there, actually." Lili freed up Asuka's hand and pointed towards the distance.

"Great. Please make up your mind sooner next time." Asuka sighed. Lili grabbed her hand once more and began stomping away. However, mere moments after they stepped out of position, an unpleasant and very, very loud noise sounded from behind them. A noise that could only be described as a combination of concrete shattering and perhaps a car crash of some sort.

"…"

"…"

Centimetres away from where they were standing just a few seconds ago was a man. He seemed to have fallen from the sky, as it were. Furthermore, he appeared to be somewhat unconscious and/or dead.

"…well, it's a good thing we moved, _non_?"

"Wait, that's…"

Asuka let out a gasp and approached the lifeless specimen. For whatever reason, no pedestrians seemed to take note of the events. Perhaps this sort of this was ordinary around those parts.

"Do you know this gentleman, Asuka?"

"No, I can't say I've ever seen him before, but…" Asuka couldn't shake the very concerned look on her face.

"Hm. Do you think he's dead?" Lili said rather flatly.

"Huh? O-oh, jeez… I'll check." Asuka scrambled to check the man's pulse. It was a particularly large man, very tall and well muscled. The gentleman's robust figure was only barely contained by a flimsy orange shirt and black slacks. His hair was rather messy, but it served to accentuate his masculine, gruff features. "He's got a pulse, so I _guess_ he's okay."

"_Tr__ès bien_. We're going to go away now." Lili signalled for the two to depart, to which Asuka responded to by rising up and looking at the blonde with eyes not unlike those of an angry puppy.

"Wait, what? We can't just leave him there! He could be seriously hurt. We should call an ambulance."

Lili sighed. "Really, _chérie_? There are forms to sign, fees to pay, which all results in a huge waste of our time and funds." The girl waved her hands about, as if to tell Asuka to refrain from worrying about the Spanish gentleman any further.

"How can you tell he's Spanish?"

"I'm European, Asuka. We're able to instinctively differentiate between European people and other miscellaneous _routiers_."

"I-is that man alright?"

The first third-party to actually care had revealed himself. A patrolling police officer had come across the scene, and the look on his face was one of concerned sternness.

Asuka decided to be a hero.

"He needs an amb—"

But Lili was having none of it.

"Indeed, this gentleman is unharmed. This is my impoverished second… no, _third_ cousin from some made up-sounding Eastern European country. The poor _nigaud_ got a little intoxicated and passed out on the street, and we're awaiting a friend of ours to come and collect him." Lili said with the biggest, brightest, fakest smile ever known to man.

The officer scratched his beard and sighed softly.

"Which Eastern European country?" The look in his eyes grew sharper, sending chills down Lili's spine.

"Erm… S-Stanley… Kubrick…?" Her brilliant smile never once fading, Lili stood her ground against the brutish officer of the law. You can do it, Lili!

Crossing his arms, the officer smiled awkwardly. "Er, I don't really know the names of many foreign countries, to be honest. You just make sure he gets home okay, alright?"

Waving goodbye to the nice police officer man, Lili's smile finally darkened as she turned to face the Asuka-type person behind her.

"We need to get this guy back home."

"Huh? But _how_? Do you see how _massive_ this guy is? We may be tough, but there is no way we'll be able to carry him all the way back to our place."

Lili scoffed. "Asuka, please. Did I ever mention anything about _us_ carrying him back there?" She pulled an expensive-looking cellphone out of her purse.

Asuka struggled to think of something to say in response, and soon it was too late.

"_Valet._ A gentleman fell from the sky just now." Lili told the person on the other line their exact location. "Yes, you are to get over here and retrieve this man post-haste. There will be no refusal, and you will carry out your task as instructed. Failure will result in your termination. That is all."

…who were you just talking to?" A cold sweat ran down Asuka's entire being. An amused smile returned to Lili's face once more.

"Oh, it's just Hwoarang. I got his phone number last night. An amusing tale lies behind this. See, I ran into him on the street and thought he was a boy band member. I got my hopes up, turned on my patented Lili charm, ended up getting his number. But then I realised it was just Hwoarang, so I left."

Asuka didn't say anything, but she suddenly felt very sorry for poor Hwoarang.

"A-anyway, you wanna get cake or something? There's this place not far from here I've heard is really good…" Asuka's smile was one of awkwardness and fear, but Lili didn't really seem to care.

"_P__âtisserie_, you say? An excellent idea, dear Asuka. Do lead the way."

* * *

In a matter of minutes, the two had found themselves in front of Fat Princess's Bakery, a relatively large place, its windows decorated with images of a fat blonde princess pigging out on various cakes.

"…so, I guess we should go inside?" Asuka's awkward smile hadn't faded. If anything, it was even more awkward.

"I think that's rather obvious, what with the door leading to the place and everything." Lili sighed. "Sometimes I worry about you…"

"Hey, what's that supposed to mean?"

As if on cue, Lili's phone rang at that exact moment..

**_I'm gracing tales up in here, all night, uh huh._**

"Ah, that's my phone. I recorded my own ringtone. Charming, yes?" Lili smiled as she answered the phone, ignoring Asuka's dramatic eyeroll. "Yes, this is Emilie de Rochefort. State your business."

_Uh, Lili? Yeah, hi, er, I got the guy to my apartment… what do I do now?_

"Oh, it's that, huh? Just make sure he's comfortable. Give him an oil massage or something."

_Wait, wait, what? You want me to **what?**_

"Did I stutter? If you are to disturb his rest in any way, there will be repercussions."

_Why am I even doing this? I'm not your slave or anything!_

"See, that's where you're wrong. Good luck with your thing, sweetie. I'll call you later, okay? Bye-bye!"

Lili made kissing sounds and hung up her phone.

"…who was that?"

"I dunno, some guy talking nonsense. He probably had the wrong number. Kept going on about how he wanted to give this man an oil massage."

"Okay… I guess some people are just strange like that."

The two girls stood there in silence for a good while.

"So, dear Asuka, are you up for one or two or fifteen pastries?"

"Definitely."

And that was that.


	3. Mal à l'aise

**Note:** Y'know I really did want to release this chapter relatively soon after the second one but life was like NO PLAY LOLLIPOP CHAINSAW INSTEAD and I was all oh fine I'll do that but then I also started playing Big Rigs? And then I felt the compulsive need to catch up to Medaka Box and there was also schoolwork and adhfbherfwe anyway here's a third chapter. I'd like to thank reviewers for reviewing and pardoning my severely broken French.

**Fun fact:** I wrote most of this chapter to my playlist of Koda Kumi's very skankiest songs. It was very fitting.

* * *

_Act 1: Bargaining  
Haeres, finalis spes._

* * *

"I can't believe this person just won't wake up. It's already been a day, yet he's still out cold. Is he in a coma or something?" Lili sighed exasperatedly.

"It can't be helped, knowing his situation. Actually, we know nothing about the situation. Forget I ever said that. Purge it from your mind." Asuka mimicked Lili's sigh, and proceeded to rise from the sofa they had been occupying.

"Hm? Are you headed somewhere?"

"Yes, this very big and sweaty guy is starting to stink up the place. I'm gonna go get Hwoarang, see if he'll give him a bath for us or whatever."

"Ah, the ever-handy Korean manservant, yes. Do give him my regards, but don't word them too affectionately. I wouldn't want him getting the wrong idea."

"Er, right. I'll only be gone a minute. Don't even _think_ of taking advantage of the situation, okay?"

Asuka stood in front of a peculiar scene. It was the day after she and Lili had found a (supposedly Spanish) gentleman knocked out on the street, and he had now become a semi-comatose visitor in their modest apartment. There he was, clothes half-undone, his prominent musculature on full display, sprawled out on their rather red sofa. Occupying the small, non-Spaniard filled portion of said sofa was Lili, who smiled in disbelief at the Japanese girl.

"I'll try to retain myself, _mon amie_." She said, her voice dripping with sarcasm. "Now go and keep the _valet_ from dying of loneliness."

Taking one last glance at the blonde behind her, Asuka exited their apartment.

* * *

_**~Parfait Magnifique~**_

**Chapitre Trois**  
"**Mal à l'aise**"

* * *

"_What_ did I tell you about taking advantage!?"

"You were gone for _forty minutes_, Asuka! I had to make my own fun, okay? What took you so long, anyway?"

Asuka groaned. "Hwoarang didn't wanna do it, obviously, so I just beat him up until he agreed to it." She then pointed towards the semi-lifeless body, unmoved from its spot on the sofa. "Would you…? Because he'll be here in a few minutes."

"Eh, it'll give him something more to clean up, yes? I always thought our _valet_ could use to learn some discipline." Lili started packing up her handy-dandy makeup kit, which she had used to amuse herself for the past 40 minutes. "But, hey. He looks really pretty now, right?"

Asuka studied the unconscious Spaniard's heavily made-up face. He may have looked pretty about five pounds of mascara ago, but right now he looked about ready to head to a drag queen competition. Had she _really_ been gone that long?

As if to tell Asuka to stop having a non-staredown with the sleeping beauty, Hwoarang burst through their flimsy door, holding an ice bag to his head.

"I am _not _giving him a bath."

"Hwoarang, please. We already went through this when I shattered that table with your head."

"Speaking of which, you're gonna have to pay for that!"

The notion of having to pay for something made Lili suddenly cease ignoring the scene unfolding in front of her, thus she decided to speak up.

"_Valet_, this most probably Spanish gentleman is getting rather odorous. Giving him a bath is the only way to alleviate that, I am afraid. _We_ can't do that. Asuka and I are girls, and that would be weird."

Asuka smiled and nodded. "Exactly. You're both guys, so it's okay."

"Oh, you mean like how girls tend to feel each other up in hot springs? I've seen that a lot in some of the entertainment around here."

"That's not actually—"

"Will you two shut up!?" Having had enough of their yapping, Hwoarang raised his voice against the two delicate, and now startled, maidens. "I… I'm not getting out of this, am I?"

The grin that crossed Lili's face was a very devious one. "I see you're finally beginning to learn your place, _valet_. You are to carry the man to your place post-haste, where you shall proceed to give him a _very thorough_ scrub-down."

"Does that mean…" Hwoarang looked around nervously, "…I'll have to strip him naked?"

"No, you're supposed to hose him down with his clothes on, obviously." Asuka sighed. "Yes, you have to get him naked."

"You should lend him some of your clothes, too. I mean, for that extra freshness." Lili smiled.

"Don't forget to carefully and meticulously wash his every nook and cranny, okay?" A rather dangerous-looking spark was forming in Asuka's eyes.

The two girls had literally backed Hwoarang to a wall. He was beginning to think that this was becoming about something more than just giving the alleged Spaniard a wash.

He gave a long, drawn-out sigh, as if he were raising the white flag. He had surrendered to his destiny.

"…alright. I'll do it. But you two are buying me chicken teriyaki later, okay?"

Lili and Asuka broke their stares at Hwoarang and looked at each other. They then nodded.

"We accept your terms." Lili made a waving motion with her hand. "Now, do be off. We have precious little time to spare."

And so, Hwoarang struggled to pick up the unconscious gentleman and again struggled to carry him over to his apartment. You can do it, Hwoarang!

"I can't do this," Hwoarang groaned.

"You can, you must, and you will." Asuka shot Hwoarang a vaguely threatening smile. "Now do it."

* * *

_Act 2: Acceptance  
Fatis inevitabilia._

* * *

The time: 13:37PM

The place: Hwoarang's bathroom.

The apartment building wasn't especially fancy, and affordable for just about anyone with any income at all. Hwoarang, one with the very prestigious occupation of, quote, 'part time delivery bitch' for a semi-respectable delivery service, took full advantage of the landlord's almost suspicious generosity, and rented his modest but spacious apartment for not very much money at all.

There had to be a catch.

However, none of that was going through his mind at the moment, as he was faced with a more sizeable problem. Namely, the very large man spread out on the floor, still out cold.

Hwoarang's instructions were simple. He intently stared at the crumpled piece of paper in his hand, recalling its origins. The snooty European girl's voice echoed throughout his head.

_"You seriously need me to write this down? Well, I do suppose some people are simply too uneducated to comprehend the very concept of memory."_

The Korean man's brain was clearly not in working order, as his attempts to filter out her verbal abuse failed miserably.

_"First off, and this is supremely obvious, you need to get him down to your place."_

Hwoarang stared down the unconscious man. He briefly wondered why he had on very heavy makeup, but decided to eventually dismiss it. At any rate, step one complete.

_"Now, the primary goal behind this operation is to bathe the most probably Spanish gentleman. In order to do that, you need him to disrobe, yes? Of course, he can't do that, being all unconscious. Thus, you must undress him yourself. You are familiar with the procedure, are you not? I can explain it to you if I must, but it really is rather tiresome."_

Taking a few steps closer to the mostly non-dead man, Hwoarang swallowed copious amounts of air. The hole had been dug, and it was a very deep one. At the very bottom of it was Hwoarang, curled up into foetal position. There was no getting out of this hole. This was something he had to do, he reassured himself as he proceeded to unbuckle the burlier man's belt.

* * *

A clacking of champagne glasses could be heard as the two girls celebrated the victory over their neighbour.

They were actually just drinking orange juice, though. As if they could afford champagne.

"I could afford champagne," Lili sighed, "about a year ago."

Asuka chuckled, smiling brighter than the sun itself. "This is no time for moping, Lili. We won! D'you think Hwoarang's scrubbing down the Aussie as we speak?"

Lili giggled softly. "If I know our Korean _valet_, and I do, he's probably still struggling to disrobe the man." Taking another sip of the rather cheap juice, she then shot the Japanese girl a rather piercing glare. "Also, he's Spanish, not Australian."

The two then proceeded to inhale their vaguely pathetic drinks in complete silence.

"I feel like we're missing something. Don't you?" An air of uneasiness surrounded the apartment, which Asuka took full note of.

Lili nodded. "Indeed_._ Perhaps we should make our way over to _valet de chambre_, just to see if he's doing a proper job, of course."

The two nodded once more. It was just business, no ulterior motives.

Well, maybe a _few_ ulterior motives.

* * *

_"And I do believe those are the most basic of basics in the art of disrobing another person. Please refrain from asking me why I know this, I just do. Let us see, what's next…?"_

Hwoarang stared at his watch. The time was 14:44PM, meaning that he had been in there for well over an hour. He looked up from his wrist, the man still lying on the floor. Two changes had taken place since we last left our heroes. For one, the man was now down to his underwear. As for the other, his position looked a whole lot less comfortable.

_You can do this, Hwoarang_, he thought to himself. _Master Baek didn't train a pussy. He trained a full-blown wimp!_

A new fire had appeared in Hwoarang's eyes. With determination in his movements, he quickly yanked off the man's red boxers, cryptically labelled 'luchador'.

I'm not looking, I'm not looking, I'm not looking, I'mnotlookingI'mnotlookingI'mnotlookingI'mnotlooking…

Hwoarang stood triumphantly over the naked (and still comatose) body of the man, smiling awkwardly to himself.

_"…I looked."_

As if on cue, the bathroom door was then assaulted by furious knocking.

"Are you about done in there?" A soft, feminine voice sounded from beyond the room.

A cold sweat ran down the startled Korean's entire body as he slowly drooped down. "Y-yeah, I just got his clothes off! I just need to do the… scrubby, washy… thing, and—"

"**What!?**" A much harsher, louder voice screamed out in frustration. "You've been in there for over an **hour** and you **still** aren't done!?"

"See, I told you."

"Shut up!"

Ignoring the commanding screams of his neighbours, Hwoarang decided to redirect his attentions to the task at hand.

It was then that he fully realised that he was practically straddling a very naked, very unconscious man. A very naked, very unconscious man who actually seemed to be coming to.

"No please no please no no no no no no…" The younger man whispered to himself as the more robust man's eyes slowly opened.

_If he is to wake up, well…_ Hwoarang struggled to recall Lili's earlier words.

_You're probably screwed. But hey, it'll be your mess to deal with. An unlikely one, though. You'll probably be fine, dear._

Lili had departed those words with a radiant smile and a gentle pat to Hwoarang's head. Imagining her blue, passively malevolent eyes wouldn't do any good here. They had gotten him into this mess to begin with. Plus, stark reality of the situation becoming starker and realer by the second.

"Sis…"

"What the who huh?"

A charismatic smile crossed the man's lips. And yet somehow, Hwoarang found himself deeply unnerved by said smile.

"Sis…" Even though he had awakened, the man appeared to be completely out of it. "I knew you'd come around eventually…"

Hwoarang frantically looked around as the nude gentleman slowly crawled over to him.

"Th-there's no 'sis' over here! Just boring old me!" All instincts pointed towards the bathroom door, where Hwoarang could escape from this undesirable situation. "I-I'm gonna get out of here now, okay!? H-he awoke, okay!?"

"Gee, that's too bad. Guess this'll be more of a challenge now." A voice sounded from beyond the door to freedom.

"_What_!?"

At that exact moment, Hwoarang let his guard down for a fraction of a second. This mistake caused him to get caught in an iron grip of death. Or something similar, anyway.

"Uguu!"

The man, still seeming somewhat intoxicated, had a gleeful smile on his face.

"I have you now, sis… We're gonna have ourselves some _alegría_."

"**I don't know what that means!**"

"Don't struggle; it makes it harder for me to remove your underwear."

"**You're gonna **_**what!?**_** G-gaaaaaaaaaaah!**"

"Were you always this robust, sis?"

"**Lili! Asuka! Heeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeelp!**"

"Shhhh… there's no need to scream. Just yet, anyway."

"**NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!**"

…

As the screams of anguish continued, the terrible twosome stood just outside the crime scene with blank expressions on their faces.

"D-d'ya think we should help him?" The Japanese girl said to her partner in crime, who shrugged.

"Eh. It's his fault for being so terribly slow." The blonde's face lightened up. "Let us wait this out with some delectable tea, yes?"

With consent from both sides, Lili and Asuka proceeded to raid Hwoarang's kitchen for tea, his screams only letting up approximately fifteen minutes later.

"Wow, this is the best tea he has? I pity the poor fellow."

* * *

_Act 3: Poppin' love cocktail  
Uh-huh, uh-huh, kiss me, baby._

* * *

_**Due to the traumatic events of Act 2, Hwoarang will not be joining the cast for the following exposition dump.**_

"So, you have awakened."

The stage had changed to Lili and Asuka's place, as the Korean's sobbing had grown too loud for people to have a conversation. The recently conscious and probably European man had re-migrated to their sofa, while the two females stood in front of him, ready for the interrogation.

"Er… y-yeah?" Confusion ruled over his expression and voice.

"Before we start…" Asuka's voice was tinged with anxiousness. "What country are you from!?"

"Huh?"

"J-just answer, okay?"

The man alternated looks between girls. The brunette seemed tense and nervous, but the blonde had only a smug smile on her face.

"_España_—"

"**Damn it!**"

Lili laughed triumphantly. "That would be the sound of you presenting me with one thousand yen, yes?"

Asuka angrily extracted the currency from her wallet and handed it over to Lili. "Ugh, fine. Stupid Europeans…"

"Don't badmouth Europe, Asuka. We're just better than everyone else, sorry." Lili smiled kindly at the now definitely Spanish man. "Aren't we, dear?"

"Who are you people?"

"_Mon dieu_, how enormously rude of me." Lili cleared her throat. "I am Lili Rochefort, _la reine de beauté__magnifique_. The other girl is my loyal subject, Asuka."

Asuka decided to not give Lili the satisfaction of having her 'subject' remark countered. "We found you passed out yesterday. You seemed to have fallen from the sky. Somehow."

"The sky…"

"Hm?"

"I remember!" The man dramatically rose up from his seat, startling the poor maidens. "I was latching onto the plane my dear _hermana_ boarded, when I suddenly blacked out! I must have fallen to the ground from there."

"Who's Hermana?" Lili whispered to Asuka.

"I think he's doing the same 'sprinkling other language into speech' thing you keep doing." She whispered back.

"Oh, I see. Wait, he was _latching onto a plane_?"

"That's right! Out of _passion_ and _amor_! All I wish is to see that my dearest sister remains safe." He triumphantly put his hands on his hips, smiling brilliantly.

Definitely a weirdo, the two girls noted.

"That's great. Awesome." Asuka sighed. "I'm gonna go check on Hwoarang or whatever."

"You do that, dearie." Lili motioned for Asuka to leave, which she eventually did. Asuka's act of leaving the premises had left Lili and the Spanish man all alone in awkward silence.

"Speaking of which," Lili disrupted the aforementioned awkward silence with, "I didn't get your name, dear."

"Hm?"

"You see, because there's only so many ways one can say 'Spanish man'. An actual name would be nice."

The man identified himself as Miguel Cabellero Rojo with a charming, radiant smile. Indeed, he and Lili hailed from the very same Superior Continent™.

"Miguel, you say? What an excellently European name. _Très bien_." Lili returned his smile, but found herself unable to keep her gaze from wandering to his manly chest, currently barely restrained by one of Hwoarang's rather small t-shirts.

Not one to be distracted by appealingly-shaped gentlemen, her attentions were instead fixed on the shiny.

"And as a connoisseur of fine jewellery, I simply must compliment your _exuberant _silver crucifix." Lili's eyes had a rarely-seen sparkle to them. "Yes, I can tell it's silver because of my _wealthy_ European eyes."

There was apparently more than one kind of European eyes. Miguel, however, was mildly confuddled.

"_Que_? I don't remember putting a crucifix on…" Miguel looked down at his chest. Indeed, there was an extravagantly detailed crucifix hanging from his neck.

"That is very peculiar." Lili sighed. "I'd definitely remember something like that."

Just as the words escaped Lili's luscious lips, the door to the modestly modest apartment was rather crudely kicked down by armed soldiers.

Not paying any mind to the rather startled inhabitants of the room, the soldiers lined up neatly and saluted the person walking through the now-destroyed door.

A Japanese male, approximately in his mid-20s, entered the room. He wore sunglasses that cost more than your house, an extravagant leather trench coat, and a truly ridiculous hairdo.

Jin Kazama removed his sunglasses in an overly dramatic fashion, his very blonde assistant person, Nina Williams, joining him at his side.

"We have a problem."

**To Be Continued**


End file.
